I hate cauliflower!!!!!!!!

This is one of those completely irrational feelings toward something. I just despise cauliflower. I will never like it. I have never liked it.

Thinking back, I think my aversion is due to the way that my mother used to cook it. She used to cut the florettes from the stalks and par-boil them. Then she would cover them in flour, egg, and bread crumb and deep fry. Unfortunately, the boil step makes your entire house smell like anus. Just imagining that smell is making me nauseous .

Even raw, the vegetable looks disgusting to me. I really don’t get it. It’s white, so it’s not like you’re getting any benefit of chlorophyll in your diet. Broccoli, when cooked right, is actually really good, so why do we need this disgusting looking white brain vegetable? And hybrid broccoli/cauliflowers? C’mon scientists, lets work toward curing AIDS or cancer, we don’t need more cauliflower in the world.

Even when people put out Cru d’etat, why do you have to put out cauliflower? I will eat celery, carrots, and broccoli like any decent human being. You put cauliflower on the platter, why? Because you don’t want me to eat anything off of it?

When I recently ate at The Brown Derby restaurant in Albany, the chef decided to get cute and add a huge piece of blanched cauliflower on top of my tagliatelli. I ordered Chicken Parmigianna with pasta. What are you doing putting cauliflower on top of the pasta? What are you trying to prove? I was going to flick it off of my plate to make a mess of the fine linens, but Cassie made me put it onto a plate. I winced with every bite of my chicken parmigianna, and I didn’t even bother to touch the pasta.

Even on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry is eating at a restaurant and he picks up a piece of the brains on his fork and says, “does anyone see a point to cauliflower? what is it? who put this stuff on earth?”

When I go eat Indian food, I’m aware that there’s a good chance that something in the dishes on the buffets have cauliflower. I make sure that I ask before I eat it.

Just get it out of my face, and we won’t have a problem. If people can claim that they are allergic to peanut oils/esters in parts per trillion levels, I’m going to say that I’m allergic to being around cauliflower. And yes, I do have an allergic reaction. If you put me around cauliflower, I will vomit all over your face.


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