You know what that means!
That’s right! Jersey Shore is back for a new season. The Final Season.
Oh God. There are two episodes tonight.
Mike’s at his house and is thanking all of his family for supporting him while he was in rehab. He has a girlfriend, Paula, who he says he isn’t going out with at all. It’s funny how that works.
Snooki talks about how pregnancy changed her life. She drives away from her Poughkeepsie home in a black and pink Chevy Avalanche. Not a joke. It actually looks pretty rockin with the matte finish on the black paint. I want a black and red version!
Jen and Roger are talking about how their relationship stinks.
Snooki’s vagina hurts.
Ronnie walks out with more bottles of protein powder than I have at my desk. Sam talks about how she’s 25 years old and happy with Ron. Let’s see how long this lasts. They both mention that they communicate now; they’ve been communicating too much for the last five seasons.
Pauly is driving down and he says, “me and Vinny are definitely gonna do our thing this year,” as if they haven’t been doing their thing for the last three years. Vinny talks about how he was an emo wimp in the previous season with his dumb emo glasses. And his mother stirs up his oatmeal for him.
Deena lost a ton of weight. She’s more of a souvlaki than a meatball now (that’s mine, thank you very much!). She has a boyfriend, Chris, and she’s happy. She kisses him goodbye and hits the road. Little does he know what he’s in for. Maybe he does. He has to know she’s been on TV making an ass of herself.
Mike is cooking in the shore house, and he helps Deena out. He gets touchy with her. You know this guy is gonna get it in. They go up to the roof and she smokes a cigarette in front of him, a guy who just leveled with her and told her he quit. Pauly shows up, and he’s happy the old Mike is back. I doubt he is, all of it. Sam and Ron show up and say that Mike is up to trouble cooking this dinner. Hey, I’m hard on Mike, but the guy is making dinner, what could he possibly be up to? Vinny shows up with those dumb glasses, and they all laugh, but not at the glasses like they should.
Ron and Sam celebrate that they have their own room. “Now we can fight in peace” is how Ron puts it.
Snooki and Jen arrive, and they talk about how something stinks. It’s steamed broccoli which “smells like butthole.” At least it isn’t cauliflower.
Deena and Snooki sit down and talk about how Snooki can’t go out drinking at 10am. Duh.
Everyone makes fun of Snooki’s boobs which have elevated in size because of the pregnancy. She says there’s milk in them, and I’m not repeating how she knows that.
They sit down for dinner, and everyone grills Mike for going into rehab. Then they tell him “good job.” They got it backwards. This guy is falling off the wagon; I’m sure of it. Mike apologizes for everything wrong he ever did to anybody. He’s jacked up.
The kids show up at the t-shirt shop. He makes fun of Snooki, “a child is having a child.” What a wise
They get up early and head right to the gym. Snooki is pissed that she can’t do what everyone does because she’s pregnant. How many times are they going to remind us of this?
Tanning is next! None for Snooki! Guess why…
The girls go eat junk food at a health food shop and drink water. Deena busts out crying. [commercial] She misses her boyfriend. Did that really need a commercial break to hype that “cliffhanger”?
They hang out at the house, and Deena falls off the hammock. It looked like something from a cartoon.
Gianni shows up (remember, his name is Gionni, but I refuse to spell it that way.). Vinny walks past Gianni wearing a robe stolen from a hotel. He doesn’t even say a word to that kid.
Mike makes a remark about how he’ll hook up with Deena if nothing else works out. She gets pissed.
Gianni and Snooki eat dinner while everyone else goes to Karma. Snooki acts like she’s dying to go there but like she’s stuck at dinner with Gianni. You know she’s gonna go.
At Karma, it’s the usual bullcrap. Girls touching Mike’s abs, drinks, dancing, dry humping, Vinny’s silly glasses. Hahaha, ohh, and Mike’s sucking down Red Bulls like it’s his job.
Gianni breaks the news that he won’t be there the next week. Snooki’s response, “so I won’t see you for a week?” The world is about to end.
Deena is making out with her boyfriend at Karma. The guys dance like buffoons.
Snooki unearths a plan to talk to Danny to get her own place at the shore because she can’t get rest with everyone around. Why even agree to do the show?
Ron and Sam have a fight. Big surprise, right? This time, it’s about Sam not understanding that breakfast, lunch, and dinner are the meals of the day. He actually communicates this to her in very slow speech. They’ll seriously fight over everything. He gets wasted and then gets to a point where he is completely unreasonable.
Vinny is talking to Deena’s dude about furniture, and Deena gets pissed because she says Vinny isn’t going to buy furniture. I guess I missed the part where they said the guy sells furniture. I was busy making this:
MVP is in full effect! Pauly is hooking up with a girl, and Mike follows suit. They walk back home and Deena is crying like a filthy animal that she misses Chris. The guy is right next to her. They stop on the way back for Philly cheesesteaks. Chris leaves and Deena gets worse.
Seriously though, toast with Maplebrook Farms fresh ricotta, Maldon sea salt, fresh cracked pepper, and fig jam is Goddamn delicious!
When they get home, everyone is running around. Ron takes all of the blankets from the bed in the smoosh room and slides down the stairs like a 4 year old at a park. It doesn’t matter because the girl Vinny takes home has a monthly visitor. Mike breaks this news to him. They send both of their girls packing. These girls looked like grenades anyway. It was fun watching Ron slide down the stairs though.
Everyone gets up and they’re all in bad shape. Ron looks totally effed. He makes a comment that something’s wrong with his legs and that he must have fallen somewhere. Hahaha if he only knew. Mike, Sam, and Ron go to breakfast. They’re all getting along. It’s so cute.
Deena and Vinny sit down and talk. She’s hung up on the fact that she can’t be away from her boyfriend. Here’s a prediction: this whole season is going to be a bunch of lame people reminding us that Mike is sober, Snooki is pregnant, and Deena misses Chris over and over and over.
Everyone is sitting around, and Vinny cracks a joke that he and Snooki had sex for like a minute. She gives him this glare. I think it’s editing. I bet they had some laughs about it. Easy come, easy go. HEYOOOOOO
Pauly, Deena, and Snooki head over to the t-shirt shop. Snooki pulls Danny aside and starts her plot to get more rest. Danny offers her the apartment next door to their shore house to get away from the constant partying. Why be there if you’re not going to be there?
They guys go out on the boardwalk. Pauly and Ron ride the rides. Mike and Vinny bond over the rehab even though Vinny has no idea what it even is. Mike even makes a comment that he’s on common ground with Vinny over the rehab. Is there something we don’t know about Vinny?
Deena goes on a diatribe about what integrity is. She apparently doesn’t know and thinks it’s the same thing as shame. The bartender at the place they’re at explains that, if anything, integrity is the same thing as having no shame. I’m totally lost.
Mike and Vinny cook up Sunday dinner. Mike’s himself, and Vinny’s glasses look silly. They eat up and everyone decides to talk about the first time they had sex. Vinny drops the bombshell that he’s going to remain celibate for the summer. He argues that making out doesn’t count toward this. Snooki drops the bombshell that she’s getting her own place. [commercial] Everyone seems to agree it’s a good idea. Did that really need a commercial break to hype that “cliffhanger”?
They all sit around and ponder having a rap battle. They stand in a circle and make believe they throw Chinese darts at each other. They need to do something creative to catch it. This seems like a fun game. It lasts maybe 15 seconds.
That’s it. Bed time.
(Double) Episode rating – 2.5/5