derryX takes over Jersey Shore Season 4 – Ep 9

It’s National Coffee Day here in X Mansion, so in honor of that and Jers Day, I just had an espresso.

So what do these kids have in store for me in letterboxed standard edition this week?

Remember last week, that wankster, Gianni, walked out after mere hours of flying to Italy to visit Snooki. Of course, Snooki was literally stripping in a club, which led to his embarrassment.

Ronnie, Paulie, and Deena are so hung over and are going to work. Snooki gets out of bed a sobbing mess and tries to call Gianni to no avail. Vinny is behind the counter at the pizzeria starting trouble. Because of the way Snooki acted in last week’s episode, Jen doesn’t want to talk to Snooki, so Snooki walks out wearing these weird boots. No joke.

Snooki heads to a restaurant and starts dancing in front of a bunch of teenage girls.

Meanwhile, at work, Deena is asked to clean a toilet. She does it with a mop. Do I even have to try to say something funny?

Snooki leaves the restaurant and says “THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIEEEEEEEEFE!!!” She calls her dad and blames him for Gianni leaving. What? Snooki’s Dad wants to know “why the f*ck Gianni even came,” really in ALLCAPS.  This is heating up. Jen finally consoles Snooki. Number 2! “THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIEEEEEEEEFE!!!”

Jen has a heart to heart with Snooki. Snooki is pissed that Jen wasn’t there for her. Jen is convinced Gianni couldn’t get on a plane that quickly. Sammi comes in, and Snooki says, “don’t look at me right now.” Never mind that there are cameras all over the place. Jen finally gets a hold of Gianni, and pleads with him to come back. He’s not saying where he is. He said he’ll let Snooki talk to him.

Snooki gets on the phone and can barely talk. Gianni refuses to come back and talk to her. He says he took a train to Rome, and that he can’t come back. In the heat of everything, Snooki dismisses Gianni, and Jen tells Snooki, “you are not being Sam right now.” Hahaha these kids. Gianni reveals he was not on the train and was just at the station. They’re gonna go catch him. Jen keeps calling Snooki “Sam” and keeps saying, “lets go and get Ron!”

They catch up with him outside. He looks like a f*ckin douchbag. She pleads with him to stay, but he refuses because his family already paid to change his flight back to the states. He walks away, and Snooki climbs the stairs crying like crazy. She makes it up two steps before falling to the ground in a crying fit.

Sam says “Vinny’s in purple pants, and I don’t know how I feel about it.” And he really is. It’s a joke. Vinny, in these silly pants, proceeds to stack all of Deena’s belongings on top of her bed. When she confronts him, he runs after her, completely naked. I’m not even kidding. WHY!?!?!? While Deena is clearing out the stuff, she gets stuck under a chair.

The kids get ready to go out. Deena starts complaining about missing her period and feeling hot. She thinks she is pregnant. I make a lot of things up, but I have not made up one thing that has happened in this episode right now. Apparently, she had sex with someone before she went to Italy. She explains this and the fact that she is dizzy every day to Jen. Deena says that she will slit her wrists if she is pregnant. Great message, MTV. She and Jen take to the streets and try to find a pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test. They have to talk to someone on the street through a mail slot to buy one. Now I know where to inquire about pregnancy tests. Find the first mail slot, and there I go!

When they get home, Mike lets them in, and they administer the test. It comes up negative. She’s not pregnant. She’s like WHOOOOO!

Snooki touches base with Gianni who is back in the states. He says that Snooki was dancing like a pig in front of him. He’s 100% right, but she gets upset that he said this. Snooki accuses him of not letting her be herself. She hangs up on him.

Ronnie recaps that Gianni said that, before they even left, he didn’t like what she was wearing. Everyone argues that that’s wrong. Snooki wants to party at Karma. She makes Pauly break out his DJ equipment. They continue to trash the apartment and get trashed up. They’re gonna Karma party in their apartment. Ron plays the bouncer. Mike “sits in a corner with his glasses on and looks like the biggest creep ever” – Ron. The lights starts to strobe, Deena starts falling all over the place. The party gets lame, but not before Mike starts making love to Snooki’s feet. Snooki starts grinding with Mike. They go out for a cigarette, and Mike starts creeping on Snooki.

Mike is trying to manipulate Snooki so bad. He tells her Ron told him to kick Gianni in the head. He’s really warping what really happened. Snooki pulls Ron aside and approaches him about this. Ron tells the story as it actually happened. It seems to fizzle away right there. How rational…for once.

Mike tells everybody that Snooki performed fellatio on him. He used a much more barbaric term for it. The girls are mortified. So am I.

Snooki goes and hops in bed with Vinny. Denna hops in Pauly’s bed. Pauly throws the grenade out, but Vinny and Snooki are going at it. Vinny doesn’t agree to do anything until Snooki admits that she’s not with Gianni. Once she does, then it really goes down.

This episode was really out there. But amazing!

Episode rating – 4.5/5