Jersey Shore – Season 5 Episode 1 Recrap

They start us off with a toast from Snooki and the rest of the cast, and a big banner that says, “We’re Back!”

Here we go, espresso in hand, even though they’re not in Italy any more. There’s also no HD (I’m gonna keep making this point).

Actually, wait, when we start they’re leaving Italy. Pauly can’t wait because the gym sucks in Italy. Because I’m sure the gyms in Italy are really that much different than the gyms here.

On the bus ride to the Shore house, Mike already starts the conversation about where he’s going to sleep. Nobody wants to room with him. Snooki says, “I’ve peed in my bed” as if that’s even going to deter her from sleeping in it.

This kids are going crazy when they arrive at the shore house.

Mike’s stuck with Ron and Sam. Or Ron and Sam are stuck with Mike. I don’t know. They’re all losers.

Everyone toasts with shots and mixed “juice.” Then they go to the boardwalk and hang out at the t-shirt shop. Then they go on all the rides, and, the way this thing is edited, it looks like they are the only people at the Jersey Shore.

The guys go tanning, and Pauly seems to be overdoing it. Then they go to the gym. Then they drop off laundry. TGL! Wait…

Snooki is stressing over not being able to talk to Gianni, and Jen sobs about not talking to Roger.

The guys are laughing it up while they get dumb haircuts. Vinny gets a really dumb looking mohawk; it’s a full fade on top, but tapers to a point in the back. It’s really stupid.

Everyone goes to dinner with Danny, the guy who runs the t-shirt shop, who wants to hear all of the crazy Italy stories. Actually, all of their friends and family were invited to this weird place, and the kids go crazy when they see these people. Gianni is there! Roger is there!

Snooki and Gianni are chilling and everyone speculates about how weird he must feel with Vinny, who you will remember slept with Snooki in Italy, in the same room. Actually, Gianni goes to the bathroom, and Snooki starts in with Mike’s friend, The Unit. Yes, The Unit. Apparently, this dude was present (along with Snooki’s friend Ryder, who is also at this party), when Mike and Snooki did whatever they did in LA. Jen asks The Unit what he saw, and he says, “Everything!” <commercial break!>

Side note: I know my shortcomings, and I’m not exactly an attractive dude, but Ryder is seriously disgusting. Also, v-neck shirts don’t look good on guys. I’m sorry.

Ohh shit! The Unit is staying over at the house! Mike’s helping The Unit get ready for bed, and Sam talks about how she thinks Mike has gay tendencies.

Everyone is hanging out downstairs, but Snooki and Gianni are getting it on all night (probably because Snooki doesn’t want The Unit disclosing the truth). Ryder and Pauly start hooking up, and Deena gets upset. Apparently, Ryder has slept with Vinny, Mike, The Unit, and now is about to sleep with Pauly. Or is she? Pauly doesn’t want Vinny’s sloppy seconds. Or does he?

Yea, Pauly rode her. (I’m just restating the joke everyone was making about her name)

The next morning, Gianni comes out and snubs The Unit, and The Unit says “this kid is the nicest kid I ever met.” I love this stuff.

Gianni goes off somewhere, and Snooki apologizes to The Unit. He says he “begins to accept” her apology. Huh?

Vinny walks upstairs as if he’s about to jump off the roof. I’m not even kidding you. He’s looking out and talking about how he really misses his family. Ron goes up and tries to console him. Ron thinks he’s a mama’s boy.

A bunch of the kids go out to Aztec. They are greeted by a bunch of grenades. Vinny wants to go, so Pauly and Vinny go home. Vinny keeps saying he’s running on fumes. What does he even do?

Back at the bar, Gianni keeps buying Mike drinks. Mike tells us, “if he only knew.” Gianni thinks Mike is the nicest guy he ever met. Ohh man, if he only knew!

Vinny walks downstairs wearing the dumbest glasses in the history of vision. Vinny says he’s so exhausted that he can’t sleep. He thinks he can’t function in that environment. Who can?

They end with Vinny’s declaration, “I wanna go home.”

Episode rating – 3/5

The preview for the season is looking pretty standard. Drama, fights, people going home, drama, pointing guns at peoples’ temples, running down boardwalks like idiots, explosions, skanks…you know, the usual.