derryX takes over Jersey Shore Season 4 – Ep 7

“On the next Jersey Shore, the meatballs get sauced” – This is what I have to look forward to…

No espresso tonight. I had one earlier at Cafe Verro. Be jealous (unless you were there). I do have a scoop of Schweddy Ball Ben + Jerry’s ice cream. It’s pretty bad!

Snooki, Ron, and Jen go to work at the pizzeria. Snooki and Jen start planning a trip to Riccione, a beach out there. The kids literally walk out of work and go shopping for bathing suits. Their boss finds them and drags them back to work.

They walk home, and Ron is carrying seven pizzas and a giant spool of paper towel.

Snooki calls Gianni. They fight, he tells her he’s not coming, and hangs up on her. He’s mad that she gets drunk and makes him look like a chump. Um…this girl was on TV for two years before you even started seeing her. As far as I can tell, she’s exactly the same as the first episode. I’m putting this on you, Gianni.

They pack up for the beach. They manage to bring more stuff than they had, and they’re trying to fit it in two small Fiats. Ron makes the (rational <– surprising) point that they are going to a beach; they would need shorts and flip flops. Ron proceeds to pack what looks like a Price Chopper shopping bag with his stuff, while everyone else has a minimum of two oversized luggage bags each.

They arrive at a nice hotel with a fully stocked bar and beach boardwalk. It seriously looks beautiful. All of them…err it. The girls play with their boobs a little bit and then walk on the beach. They machine gun shots in record time. I gotta figure out a way to party with these people.

The guys are doing it more low key by just hanging out by the beach.

The girls, hammered, go shopping and are buying really crazy tourist trap stuff, like guitars with Italy painted on them and hats. Sam and Jen distance themselves from Snooki and Deena, who are ridiculously drunk. Snooki and Deena find a club and the guys are there. The girls are partying hard, and even the guys are surprised. Deena dances so hard, her underwear comes off. I am not kidding. That’s class right there.

The crew gathers for dinner at a really nice looking seafood place. The table they sit at is big enough for 20 people (production crew?) and the Shoresters sit in a Last Supper configuration. I guess this makes it easy to shoot. I also guess Mike is Judas. Snooki and Deena are not there; they are on the side of a street talking about going back to get ready. Mike tries to be clever and says, “the meatballs are going to come to dinner without the sauce.” (taken with the teaser quote at the top, you realize you should never know what to expect from an episode of this crap.) After everyone finishes eating, Snooki and Deena show up; they are pretty sauced. This delays club plans, and everyone is pissed.

At the club, Deena is not wearing any underwear; she just forgot, guys. She is dancing with her legs twice shoulder width apart, so, naturally, she is showing off her private parts to the Italians, who, admittedly see this stuff all the time, just not in the blatant and kinetic fashion in which Deena was flopping it around. Deena also is making out with girls. Snooki and Deena are falling all over the place. Paulie says, “Hey Deena, stop making a scene and LEZ GO!!!” Never gets old! Snooki and Deena are making out. “I think <she> is going to pork her.” {Guess the movie, win a prize!} They actually went to bed together.

The guys talk about how Ron is swacking them. Apparently, swacking is when you steal someone’s mannerisms. This is in response to Ron talking like Paulie D. I like it.

Snooki and Deena slept in for a really long time. They are in bad shape. Neither of them remember what happened. Lets stop here for a minute. They definitely hooked up. And I don’t mean made out. I mean the whole thing. How is Snooki going to explain this to Gianni?

They all check out and are driving back. The girls notice a burning rubber smell and smoke. They’re driving with the emergency brake on. Problem easily solved.

The minute they get back, Snooki calls Gianni. She comes right out, says “you can’t be mad,” and tells him she was doing intense stuff with Deena. He asks the naive clarification question, “so you and Deena hooked up” then rashly forgives her. What’s he gonna do when he watches this and finds out she was lying? [aside: we (as a society) need to stop using this term “hooking up;” it means too many different things to different people.]

Mike, Snooki, and Deena go to work at the pizzeria. Mike is working hard. Deena and Snooki are hardly working. They pull trash cans over their heads.

Snooki and Deena are driving to the gym. They build up the suspense by showing how bad the drivers are. Snooki hits a car right before a commercial break.

Transformers 3 is coming out on Blu Ray. That’s pretty cool!

So it turns out Snooki actually hit a cop car. Snooki didn’t have her drivers licence on her. They get her out of her car and Deena calls the guys to bring the license. Paramedics come and pull one guy out of the cop car on a gurney and put his neck in a brace.

The cops arrest Snooki.

Fin.

Episode rating – 2.5/5