Jersey Shore – Season 5 Episode 3 Recrap

I just pulled a crazy good espresso shot. So I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

Last week: Mike and the Unit started shit with Snookie. Vinny left the house.

Pauly goes back to the club where everyone is hanging out, and notifies everyone that Vinny left. Everyone is really pissed over this. Deena cries like an idiot, and says stuff like, “he was like my soul.” Whatever, they just go back to partying. Mike’s picking girls up like it’s his business.

Back home, Mike is quizzing a grenade on her Italian. Mike and Pauly seem to get it in. At least someone wins.

They show Vinny arriving in Staten Island in the middle of the night. Damn, his family is insanely Italian.

Pauly and Mike talk about how it’s their birthdays. Pauly sings “Tonight is you’re night, bro” – the song Danny Devito sings to Arnold in Twins – to Mike.

Deena and Snooki are out hanging out with “gay men.” Snooki gets so drunk, “mad drunk,” and has to be literally carried back home. Deena gets home and has her hair in a huge knot. Pauly literally rips the extentions off of her head. It’s freaking gross. There is nothing remotely attractive about any of this, and I want Angelina back.

Everyone is out at the club, and Mike reunites with the Unit. They’re looking to start some drama. All of a sudden, a fight breaks out at the club. It looks like the Unit was part of it, and got kicked out of the club. Mike is hella pissed, and says that he’s temporarily letting Snooki off the hook.

Pauly brings home a girl that’s Vinny’s type. Apparently, that’s how you show your friend that you miss him; by banging girls that they would bang.

The next day, a few of them are working at the t-shirt shop. Some girl starts trying on shorts, and Mike creeps onto her after literally sleeping through the shift. She gives him her number and says she wants grilled cheese for breakfast. That’s code for “let’s smash” and “smash” is code for sex.

Ronnie and Pauly call Vinny. Pauly tells Vinny about the girl he would have banged. Pretty much no reaction.

They’re all at the club, Aztec. The girl from the t-shirt shop finds Mike, but Mike was hanging with the girl from a few nights ago. Mike passes that girl onto Pauly and focuses on the t-shirt girl. Good choice. And if any of this confuses you, I honestly don’t know if I identified the girls correctly. They all look the same.

Pauly thinks the girl is DTF because she’s being pretty forward with the compliments. Apparently, she’s not and wants to talk. He goes down and calls her a cab.

This girl Mike is with, Paula, seems pretty popular in the house. In the candids, basically everyone says she’s dirty but mad cool.

The girl Pauly just sent home comes back to the house and wants to hang out with Mike. She grills him on Paula. Apparently, this girl, who wasn’t DTF for Pauly is DTF for Mike. He sends her on her way and goes back up to Paula. Mike, at this point, is talking about getting married to her.

Pauly’s mother visits the house with all of his family for his birthday. They brought his freaking barber. This goes down as the second all time most ridiculous reality TV moments, the first, of course being Pootie falling down some stairs on I Love NY.

The girls in the house start planning a birthday party for Pauly. I think they’re actively excluding Mike, even though it’s his birthday too. DRAMA!! There’s a huge birthday dinner at this place called Rivoli’s that the kids love. They practically take up the whole restaurant. Mike finds a couch and starts “sleeping,” snores and all. They put whipped cream all over his dumb face. He doesn’t seem to mind it.

The girls make a cake explicitly for Pauly. Mike’s pissed. Snooki says, “that’s what you get for being a douschebag.”

Snooki jokingly tells Jen about issues she’s having with her backside because of something she might have done there. I can’t believe that even censored, they allowed this clip to air. This is literally a porno right now.

Mike’s still throwing a fit at the house. He slams doors. He paces on the roof. He’s carrying on. He’s crying. He acknowledges that he’s not popular. Then he walks into the middle of the street, and everyone in the house talks about how he left. Actually, they’re laughing about how he’s gone.

Episode rating – 2/5