derryX takes over Jersey Shore Season 4 – Ep 6

This just happened right now, just in time for Jersey Shore, just like they do in Italy.

C’mon, MTV. I say it every week. Get this stupid show in HD on MTV HD. Anyone who *ahem* *ahem* works for MTV who’s reading this, please forward this to 495 Studios. It’s 2011.

Florence is beautiful, even with the cheesy camera effect they use to grain it up.

Mike is in lots of pain with his neck. He can’t even reach for a blurred 4 Loko can that’s two feet away. Remember, kids, he bashed his head into a wall instead of getting it bashed in by Ron.

Pauly and Vinnie make fun of Mike’s neck brace. It really does look stupid.

The girls drop off laundry and sit down for lunch at a small shop. They speculate over how serious Mike’s situation is.

Back home, Mike is being dramatic about wanting to go home. Ron pulls him outside and has a touching conversation with him. No, he really is touching him. No, not like that! He’s rubbing his shoulders. Ok, I guess it is like that. Mike cries because he has nothing. Ron wants to bring Mike to the gym.

In other news, it appears MTV is blurring Abercrombie and Fitch logos on Mike’s clothing. Way to go, all parties.

Snooki tries going to church with her boobs 99% out. The priest kicks her out. I’m torn.

Snooki goes home with her boobs and calls Gianni. She tries sexy talk with him. Actually, she said she wants to grab his butt. He gets almost as mad as Ron gets. Almost. How convenient! She goes and talks to Ron about this. He tells her not to change herself for someone else and says that kid should suck Nutella from her toes. And, so, a 32 year love affair with Nutella is over for me.

Deena is fixing Paulie D’s hair. Wow, does it look horrible when it’s poofed out? After it’s fixed, he throws on a track suit and starts acting like a guido poser. Vinny joins in. At least they know they’re douche bags.

Ron and Sam sit down and have a conversation. Ron explains he didn’t trust her one bit when they got to Italy. She explains that he was “doing her dirty” by bringing girls’ phone numbers disguised as guys’ phone numbers. How do they not see this is doomed? Wait, Ron just mentioned Arvin. ARVIN!!!! He gives her the out. Lets see if she takes it.

Vinny interrupts them (OHHHHHHHH SHIT!!!!) and tells them to keep their fights away from everyone else when they’re having fun. They agree to this unrealistic request.

Snooki and Mike talk outside. Snooki is still really mad. He admits he made a mistake but never says he’s sorry. He says every other iteration of words that mean this, but it’s not good enough for Snooki.

They go out to a club called Twenty One. There’s lots of dancing. Ron and Sam are making out like a porno. They’re drunk. Ron starts dancing so hard that he hurts his knee. He also has his hand wrapped in a towel.

Some girls start shit with Snooki, Jen, and Deena. One girl throws a drink in Deena’s face. Deena starts swinging. Turns out, it was Snooki all along and they didn’t know it.

They get home, and Snooki calls Gianni. He gets mad and starts accusing her of hooking up with somebody. I gotta say, this voyeurism makes these people have some crazy trust issues. Ron gets on the phone and tries to calm the kid down. Gianni actually says, “f*ck you.” I’m gonna say that kid doesn’t know what he’s messing with. Snooki gets back on and they just hang up.

Deena calls some guy to come over in the middle of the night. The guy seems to be ringing the doorbell for hours. Deena drops some glass and literally puts her knee right into it. Then the booty call commences! Wait, no. Deena sees a hicky on this kid’s neck. He says his sister bit him on the neck. She sends him home. Vinny – “Poor guy struck out twice.” Yup.

Jen calls Roger. She’s beyond excited. She divulges the Gianni situation to him.

I must stop here for a second. I have been typing “Gianni.” Captions indicate it is actually “Jionni.” I am not changing what I write. That is just stupid.

The girls want to get Snooki out of her funk.

Commercial for Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star. Go see that movie, please. It would mean a lot to me personally.

Commercial for new Zooey Deschanel show. She’s a fellow friend of Tom. Good stuff.

Back to getting Snooki out of the funk. The girls are trying to turn Snooki against Gianni. I don’t like this at all. Grade A manipulation. Snooki isn’t having it. Good. Make your own decisions in life.

But that’s it…

Episode Rating – 3/5