MTV’s Jersey Shore is ending. The series that nobody wanted that drew crazy ratings for MTV is going away. We can’t say their impact improved the Jersey Shore in reality. In fact, it may have had the adverse effect of fulfilling every negative stereotype and magnifying the abundance of these stereotypes at the shore.

I never went to the Jersey Shore, and the show hasn’t made me want to or anything. My affinity toward watching crappy reality television programs and the personal familiarity of the characters on the show has given me the desire to recap the episodes; if I was going to watch this junk anyway, why not shoot the fish in the barrel and make a little fun for people who would never watch the show or maybe improve the experience for those of you who painstakingly can’t tune out like me?

Many people know this blog for the food thing, but the Jersey Shore recraps have become almost as popular as the food posts, as unbelievable as that is.

But it didn’t exactly start with me.

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Back in early 2011, I thought it would be a good idea to introduce a protege to the blog. The idea was that it would be a second voice who would generate posts and interact with the community. The person wanted to remain anonymous, so we came up with the moniker “XProtege” and had their avatar be the unmistakable Scream mask.

XProtege didn’t last long.

There was a long and rather public breakup between us. Before they left, XProtege started the recaps, and I picked up and elaborated on the idea.

For this last episode, I thought it would be a fun idea to get back in touch with XProtege and get their thoughts on the finale of the show.

But first…

The last Jersey Shore Recrap ever!

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Tonight we’re celebrating the end of watching shore trash in fully letterboxed low definition on the high definition channel. So, I figured I’d correct my espresso tonight. “What in the world does that mean?” you ask? Well, in Italy, you can order “caffe corretto” which means they’ll hand you a bottle of grappa and let you go to town. Here goes nothing!

(I’m keeping another glass around, just in case.)

The Finale Espresso setup

Grappa from Harvest Spirits

The last espresso...with grappa

The show starts with Vinny talking about the bonfire they’re about to have. Ronnie wants to throw the furniture from the house into the fire. They go to a lumber yard for some wood to burn. They make jokes about how wood refers to erections. Rather than load the wood into the car, Vinny pushes a cart with a bunch of wood back to the house with Pauly in an Escalade behind him.

A party shop unloads a bunch of tables, chairs, and other party supplies at the house. The guys start digging a hole for the fire on the beach. They finally get the fire started, and it’s like the apes from 2001 figured something out.

Later at night, their families and friends come and hang out on the beach. It’s a lot of people. They start burying people in the sand.

(Don’t tell Mike, but the grappa is flowing like water up in here.)

Mike and Gianni are running around on the beach catching footballs that people are throwing. They’re treating it like a real competition, and Snooki says she misses Gianni’s “pee-pee.”

Sam is sitting around with her parents and reminisces that she didn’t fight with Ron at all this season. Then they show clips. Then she drops the bomb that she’s moving in with Ron, and her dad laughs at her. Ron also tells his dad, and his dad basically tells him to live his life and not bother with Sam.

Well, this was a lame party.

The next morning, a bunch of the kids go to work at the Shore Store. They focus on thanking Danny for letting them basically destroy his house. He’s smiling the whole time because I’m sure he made a lot of money from the deal. Their day at work goes without any major hitch, and they hug him and leave.

Jen and Sam go tanning, and Paula (Mike’s ex) isn’t there, but she left two cakes for them to take to Mike.

Commercial break. Ok. We have to talk about the fact that they made a movie called Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. It looks like the next goth sensation, and it stars the guy who played Hawkeye in Disney’s The Avengers. I guess that’s all I really have to say. Let that soak in a little.

So they bring the cakes to Mike, and Mike is freaked out. Vinny and Pauly are excited. Pauly doesn’t care that it’s from an ex-girlfriend, so he cuts it up and goes to town and gives Mike some.

Vinny and Pauly try to replace Ron’s bed with a blow up mattress, but, on the way up the stairs, Vinny pops the mattress. They put it in place anyway, so, when Ron finds it, he tries blowing up the bed. Ron gets frustrated with it and picks a fight with Sam.

The next day, Sam bakes a cake for the 4th of July, and Pauly’s birthday, and Mike’s birthday. Ron comes down and is totally a dick to Sam. Mike reveals that Pauly’s middle name is Michael, and his middle name is Paul. What an odd and uninteresting coincidence!

Fireworks go off about 35 miles away just as they blow out candles.

Sam and Ron are outside talking, and it quickly escalates to Ron yelling at Sam for not apologizing when she messed up. I couldn’t tell you for the life in me what she did. Ron gives Sam an ultimatum. This is just nuts.

Sam puts her foot down and basically tells him he’s being an asshole. She says good night and that she loves him and leaves. He doesn’t respond, but he does follow her and apologizes for the argument. Hey, gorilla, how about an apology for wasting the last 10 minutes for the rest of us?

The next day, the kids go GTL. At the tanning salon, one of the people who works there shows the girls a picture of how some guy put his scrotum on the cakes that Paula sent for Mike. Then they show the picture of the guy putting his nuts on the cake side-by-side with Mike eating it. Then they do the same thing with Pauly eating it. And they zoom in on Mike and Pauly’s dumb faces as they eat nut cake. Hahaha. This is great.

When they are talking about this travesty, Deena (who hasn’t been in the episode until now) admits that she had some of the tea bagged cake.

Mike calls Paula. She acts like she can’t hear him. He gets really pissed and he breaks the duck phone. Wow. This really is the finale.

After a much needed commercial break, the whole cast heads up to the deck to celebrate the last night at the house “kickin’ it”. They reminisce on how it was on the first day of the first taping. Then they talk about how much they’ve learned, and how many times they all, well, at least Snooki, got punched in the face. I gotta admit, if they’re not gonna talk about Angelina, I don’t care about the reminiscing.

They do mention that all of the girls broke the rule of “no falling in love at the Jersey Shore.”

On the last day, Pauly wakes up before everyone and goes around waking up everyone by banging pans and yelling like an idiot. Mike and Jen are making breakfast for everyone. There’s literally enough food there for fifty people. They toast with blue Solo cups, and then they pack their shit up.

As they leave, during the testimonials, everyone is crying. That was expected. They do a group hug in front of the house (also expected), then they look at the house and start to all cry a little.

They all drive away into the sunset.

Danny puts a “For Sale” sign on the house, and they show a memorial to the duck phone (which is insulting to people who actually died).

And it’s over. That’s it.

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Episode rating – 0/5 – TOTAL GARBAGE! (You knew it had to happen at some point!)

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 XProtege’s Thoughts:

After I stopped doing the recaps, I followed the show and derryX’s recaps. I thought the show really jumped the shark when they went to Italy. I didn’t like that season at all. Actually, once Angelina left, it was all downhill. Deena really stunk, and was not at all interesting. At least Angelina got into fights with the other cast members.

As far as this last season, derryX’s reviews told the story. These episodes were boring. This season didn’t need to happen. I’m sure the cast had a good time filming it, but nothing at all happened that was entertaining this season. The whole thing was a bunch of young kids who drank and got into trouble, and having one guy sober, and one girl pregnant and not really able to participate totally changed the dynamic.

While I did it, I had fun with the recaps because it was fun to try to be clever. derryX used to tell me that I needed to step it up a little, but I think they were coming along. It stinks that I wasn’t able to keep up, but I think derryX made them better. I had lots of fun reading his “recraps.”

I saw that MTV is trying to replace Jersey Shore with two shows, Buck Wild and Washington Heights. I don’t think I’d watch either. The only reason I ever watched Jersey Shore was because of derryX, and I got into it because of writing the recaps. These new shows don’t interest me at all. They have the Snooki and JWoww show that’s coming back for another season, but I’m not interested in that either.

But I want to thank derryX for getting in touch with me and for letting me chime in on the show one last time. Maybe he’ll have me be involved in some other stuff at some point soon.

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Postscript by derryX: If I get XProtege involved in stuff again, I’ll be seriously editing and moderating their posts.

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